


Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [11]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:45:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set following Bad Reputation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850), [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862), [I’m Not Myself Lately](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640884), [I Ain’t the Worst You’ve Ever Seen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640900), [I Know That I’ve Got Issues](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640908), [You’ll Never See What You’ve Done to Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641365), [Everyone Must Stand Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641370) and [I Should Be Happy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/641377)

This is not how things were meant to turn out. She had carefully cultivated her plan and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was fool proof. She was rather proud of her strategy - it was so simple but it was going to result in complex outcomes. Sure those outcomes were predominately for her benefit but they were also designed to help others, well at least one another. The dividends have failed to pay off and instead of reaping rewards she feels morally bankrupt. She has lost the little gains that she made and has hurt Rachel more than she could ever have imagined.

To make matters worse Mr Schue has seen right through her scheme. He may not have understood all the intricacies of the situation but it is still mortifying to have the manwhore who was too clueless to realise that his own wife wasn’t pregnant be able to identify her as the perpetrator. Even more alarming is the fact that she briefly allowed herself to be comforted by the man who attempted to defend the virtue of Vanilla Ice. For a moment she believed that one day she could have it all, that one day she would again be Quinn Fabray. The rug has well and truly been pulled out from under that idea and she knows that she will never again be what she was.

The GList wasn’t meant to have caused the drama that it did. It was a simple list of names and numbers collated under the subheading ‘Who’s Hot – Who’s Not’. At no point did it advertise, or even mention, sexual promiscuity. She feels that it reflects poorly on the faculty of McKinley High that they interpreted the list as a tally of depravity rather than a simple celebration of the superficial. One doesn’t have to have engaged in sexual acts in order to be hot and she is living proof that sex can actually decrease one’s attractiveness. In fact her condition should have rendered the argument about the list being about sexualised behaviour completely moot. She can hardly be earning points for wanton acts when most people view her as repulsive nowadays. 

Putting herself on top of the list was just a way to attempt to recapture the attractiveness she once felt. Her appearance was something she took for granted. She hadn’t even stopped to ponder the fact that looks were fleeting. The vague awareness that everyone ages had yet to touch her as it was too remote to worry about. A year ago it would have been inconceivable for her to think that people would fail to fall at her feet – she was beautiful and she worked hard on her perfect body and under no circumstances would her peers be able to ignore her status as Queen of the school. The hive has turned against her now and she has no chance of controlling the actions of the other students. Her situation is so dire that she feels she showed remarkable self-restraint in only ranking herself two points above Santana. People should be marvelling at her control, she probably deserves some kind of an award.

Placing the GList on Rachel’s locker may seem like an act of unnecessary cruelty but it had a purpose – it may have even been the list’s primary function. It was meant to erode Rachel’s self-esteem and send her into a hysterical tailspin. If Puck can own his crimes, Quinn can own hers – but unlike Puck she at least understands her actions. That tailspin was meant to drive everyone crazy. Mostly it was meant to drive Jesse and Finn crazy. Rachel Berry is an acquired taste at the best of times but she is near intolerable when she is in full neurotic flight but even Quinn could not have foreseen the level of near psychosis that led to Rachel’s turn as an auteur and the lamentable Run Joey Run project.

The list was meant to leave Rachel vulnerable and believing that her current and ex boyfriend did not understand her. They were meant to disappoint Rachel and she was meant to come to Quinn. In turn Quinn would pick up the pieces and make Rachel feel special and loved. It was an underhanded plan but Quinn has never been above such things. You don’t get to be head cheerleader and have people part before you like the Red Sea by being sweetness and light. She has always had the capacity to be conniving and she needs it now more than ever. She has become invisible and the sea no longer parts for her, her life is about treading water. If her only remaining option was to shipwreck Rachel on a deserted island in order to command her attention then Quinn was willing to risk them both drowning.

She honestly thought that Rachel would have turned to her and that she would have been able to offer comfort and support but that never happened. As a result she has left Rachel all alone and she doesn’t know how to fix it. A better person would not have exited with the rest of the Glee Club. A better person would have told Rachel the truth. A better person would not have made the list in the first place. 

She goes back to the room after Puck goes off to basketball practise but not before he makes several disparaging comments about Rachel that she does not bother to correct. Rachel is sitting at the piano but her fingers don’t touch the keys. She’s not even singing and that frightens Quinn. Rachel is in the middle of the bench and has to move to make way for Quinn.

A hand grabs hers and then Rachel turns to face her. The brunette’s eyes are dry but her face is network of mascara stained lines. “Why does everyone hate me?”

“They don’t.”

“You wouldn’t understand what it’s like. You didn’t score a negative number on the list.”

“That list doesn’t mean anything.”

“Don’t say that.”

Quinn is genuinely puzzled, “You want the list to be true.”

“If that list doesn’t mean anything then I lost Jesse for nothing.”

She wants to tell Rachel that Jesse doesn’t mean anything but Jesse didn’t break Rachel’s heart, she did and so she says, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Rachel states with absolute faith and Quinn prays to God that she never discovers the truth.

“I don’t like seeing you hurt like this.”

“Then maybe you should go.” Quinn feels like Rachel has kicked her.

“I won’t leave you.”

“Yes you will. Everyone does.”

“I’m not everyone else.” 

In response to Quinn’s words Rachel turns to face her and Quinn can’t help but notice the there are fresh tears in her eyes. Rachel nods at her and simply says, “Thank you.”

This is everything that she wanted. Rachel has broken up with Jesse and is vulnerable and in need of comforting. Her plan worked better than she could ever have imagined. The problem is that it has worked a little too well. She has shattered Rachel and she knows now that she can’t take advantage of the situation. She wants to cry but she can’t allow Rachel to see the tears and so they form a painful lump in her throat that threatens to choke her. Rachel is oblivious to all of this and she places her head on Quinn’s shoulder. Quinn runs her fingers through Rachel’s hair and realises that this can never be; Rachel deserves better than someone who would have so willingly manipulated her. She stays with Rachel until Rachel is ready to leave and then she is the one left alone at the piano. The truth of the situation is devastating as she knows now that she will never be Quinn Fabray again and she will never have Rachel Berry. The tears she has been holding onto are finally allowed to fall and she feels like she will never stop crying.


End file.
